Oh Boy, You Left Me Speechless
by Choice
Summary: Eddy rubbed his hands together in glee. "Let's have a dare!" "Oh, I love dares! Almost as much as life itself. And toast," Ed murmured to himself, humming happily. "What kind of a dare?" Edd asked sharply. Wherein the Eds are up to their usual antics, leaving chaos in their wake. Kevedd with some imagination. Title from Lady Gaga's 'Speechless'.


**A/N:** So I found myself stumbling face-first into the wormhole that is Kevedd. I found C2ndy2c1d's Tumblr, read some extant fic, aaaaand... here I am!

I don't even know what brought this one on. I have another Kevedd in the works, but this was just dying to be let out of my brain when I woke up this morning. So... here it is! This is written as a one-shot, although I might add on a companion piece should I get enough requests and guesses (it'll make more sense as you read on).

Any errors are my own; I don't own EENE, and this fic is purely for entertainment only. Enjoy!

* * *

"Sup dorks, took a wrong turn on your way to Loserville?" Kevin greeted them breezily, casually shouldering Eddy into a bay of nearby lockers as he made his way to homeroom.

"I'm sick of Boxface!" Eddy snapped as he righted himself with the help of Edd. "He's always got something witty to say."

"Well what do you want to do about it? He's one of the most popular kids in the entire school, he can lift seventy-five pounds in weights, he has unhindered access to any number of dangerous tools in the auto shop, _and_ he excels at a number of contact and defensive sports," Edd reasoned, readjusting his satchel full of books as they continued their trek.

"Geez, obsessed much?" Eddy sniped, missing Double Dee's stuttered reply. "I don't know, Double Dee! All's I know is that we can't just sit by and let the loser go on making fun of us!" Eddy fumed. He kicked a locker for good measure, and Edd politely ignored him as he hopped and cursed the stupid lockers of being made of indestructible steel.

"Let us challenge Kevin to a duel!" Ed announced loudly, windmilling his arms around himself. Edd rushed to settle him down as the rest of the kids in hall (luckily, Kevin was already out of sight) turned to stare at and whisper about them.

"There will be _no_ dueling of any sort, Ed!" Double Dee chastised a touch nervously, shoving Ed's bookbag—which had gone flying during the boy's flailing display—into his tall friend's chest, winding him. "That is barbaric and unseemly and _so, so messy!_ "

"What does barbaric mean, Double Dee?" Ed asked him in confusion, attempting to slide his arms through his backpack's straps while wearing the thing like a hat. "Is that what happens when the barbers get mad?"

"You might be onto something Ed," Eddy mused, tapping a finger against his chin with his usual calculating grin that never led to anything good or sane.

"We're going to get a barber?!" Ed squealed in delight.

"We are _not_ engaging in primitive fisticuffs, Eddy!" Edd chastised.

"Chill, losers!" Eddy snapped. A moment later, he rubbed his hands together in glee. "Let's have a dare!"

"Oh, I love dares! Almost as much as life itself. And toast," Ed murmured to himself, humming happily.

"What kind of a dare?" Edd asked sharply.

Eddy grinned over at his two friends. "We try to get Kevin to shut his big, ugly gob for at least one full period of class. Winner gets…" he paused to think.

"Placed on life support?" Edd offered dully.

"Endless goats!" Ed cheered.

"The losers as his personal slaves for a whole day," Eddy finished proudly, crossing his arms over his chest with a satisfied smirk. "Deal?"

"Deal!" Ed parroted back with delight.

"What's the catch?" Edd asked suspiciously.

"Absolutely none," Eddy reassured with a slimy grin. "Anything goes. The brick head just needs to shut up for a full ninety minutes."

Edd narrowed his eyes at his friend for a few tense seconds before nodding his head rather bravely. "Deal."

"Sweet!" Eddy crowed. "I'll go first. And enjoy an easy win," He whispered that last bit to himself.

Edd rolled his eyes as they finally made it to homeroom and sat in their assigned seats. _Never_ _a_ _dull_ _moment_.

* * *

Edd watched with helpless frustration as Eddy went sailing across the room, face-planting into the wall so hard his head embedded into the sheet rock there. Ed pulled a scorecard out from goodness knew where, holding it up with a stony expression. "8," it read in bold typeface.

"Worth it!" Eddy cried from the depths of the homeroom's east-facing wall.

"Loser!" Kevin bellowed, flinging a protractor like a _shuriken_ so that it landed with a _thwack!_ mere centimeters away from the back of Eddy's head. Double Dee groaned and proceeded to repeatedly head-desk as Eddy carefully extricated himself from the wall.

"So not my best idea," Eddy remarked breezily, brushing his shoulders free of plaster and debris.

"You tried to superglue his mouth shut!" Edd hollered against the desk.

"And?" Eddy asked defensively.

"You used your _bare hands!_ " Edd continued to wail, though now he sounded closer to hysterical laughter than anything else.

"Yeah, well, I'm not afraid of catching Kevin's _cooties_ or whatever other diseases he has," Eddy snapped in disgust, snorting as he folded his arms across his chest. He wasn't a pussy!

"Your _hands,_ Eddy!" Edd gasped out, definitely laughing now. Eddy frowned in bemusement, going to unfold his arms only to meet resistance.

"What the…"

Edd gasped for air in between giggles, bent forward and holding his stomach as tears streamed down his face. "You… you…!"

"Eddy, I think you broke Double Dee," Ed stage-whispered, now chewing on a piece of buttered toast.

Eddy screeched in almighty fury as he tried to free his hands without tearing up his shirt in the process. " _DAMMIT!_ "

"Eddy!" their homeroom teacher bellowed as she stomped in. "Watch your mouth! Detention for a week! Everyone shut up and sit down!" She punctuated her demands by slapping a yardstick against her desk, the resounding _clap!_ resounding in the now-quiet room.

"I'd like to see you do better," Eddy sulked quietly, still struggling to break free of his shirt.

Edd took pity upon his friend and carefully began prying the fabric from Eddy's gluey palms. "You've set the standards abysmally low," Double Dee remarked. "So I'm fairly confident I'll do fine."

"No! I want to go next! Pick me, PICK ME!" Ed hollered, waving his hand around.

Their homeroom teacher, thinking he was talking to her, shot him a bewildered look. "I'm only taking attendance, Ed," she said slowly. "But look, I'm writing you down right now, okay?"

Ed continued to look at Edd and Eddy with puppy eyes, tears welling up and threatening to spill down his cheeks. His lips quivered as he gave a few exaggerated sniffs.

"Whatever," Eddy snapped.

Double Dee barely contained a sigh. It wasn't even first period and the day seemed to already be spiraling out of control.

* * *

"…"

"…"

"...Well." Edd offered haltingly, blinking at the debacle before him with wide eyes. "That's… one way to do it… I suppose. A very literal take on the dare. Oh, dear!" he yelped at the sound of a muffled _crack_.

"Riiiight." Eddy replied, gazing at Ed's antics in morbid fascination.

In the distance, Ed could be seen being flung around by Kevin as if they were performing a very (very) intensive swing dance routine… Though, Edd reasoned to himself as he winced at yet another audible smack of Ed's body against the cafeteria floor, it was actually more like Kevin was using Ed as a human fly-swatter. Edd had to hand it to Ed: his attempt was both bold and personal. His freakishly towering yet generally sweet-tempered friend had pilfered what looked to be enough peanut butter packets to off someone with peanut allergies at least thrice over and had been attempting to stuff the contents of said packets—plastic wrappers and all, by the looks of things—down Kevin's gullet before the teen gave him a good walloping for all of Peach Creek High to hear.

At least Ed seemed to be enjoying himself, Edd thought. The gangly teen was whooping with every arcing careen into the air, and about a half-second after every heavy _thunk_ of his body against the dingy, disgustingly dirty linoleum floor, he would let out a stream of giggles. After about seven rounds of this, Kevin finally flung Ed to the wayside in disgust removing an errant packet from his hat. "You are _so_ weird," the jock muttered, chucking the packet of peanut butter at Ed's face for good measure and scrunching his face up as he wiped his hands vigorously against his shirt. He shook his head as he abandoned the still-chortling teen to walk over to his friends at the popular kids' table.

As Edd and Eddy ran over to help their friend (though it was pretty much Edd doing the assistance while Eddy stood by and cackled as he rehashed the entire thing—as if they all hadn't been there), the concept of a "bold and personal" attempt stood out in Edd's racing mind.

 _Hmm…_ Edd thought to himself absently as he peeled yet another saliva-slick peanut butter packet ( _Ye Gods, eww!_ ) off of Ed's person. _What if I…? Oh heavens, don't you even_ dare _consider it, Edward!_ His face heated up against his will and Ed began poking at Edd's cheeks in earnest, laughing about mutant tomato monsters possessing their human victims with relish… and ketchup.

Edd just shook his head and focused back upon his self-appointed task of setting Ed back to rights before lunch period was through. He determinedly ignored the mortifying yet pleasant scenarios that flicked through his mind, the way his stomach squirmed at said thoughts, and the even more humiliating reasoning of his brain that this half-baked idea could—somehow—be a viable option.

He kept his scheming to himself during their Language Arts and Ceramics classes the following two periods, tight-lipped in the face of Eddy's increasingly irritating demands to know what Edd was planning. When the bell finally sounded, signaling the start of their grade's study period, Edd dismissed himself with a vague promise that he'd be back by the following period, having completed his attempt to render the always-verbose Kevin speechless.

Ed and Eddy watched Edd slink away after Kevin, the latter of whom was so preoccupied with regaling his friends with boasting tales of something-or-other that he failed to notice his newly-acquired shadow.

After a moment, Eddy shook his head. "Man, I've gotta admit… I'm excited and scared to see what plan Double Dee's cooked up. But mostly excited," he added with an easy grin.

"Double Dee is a dead man," Ed replied somberly. After a beat: "Do you think he will let me have his cactus posse when he dies, Eddy?"

* * *

Edd slipped into his seat about five minutes after the start of their Algebra period, much to the shock of his two friends. Edd was _never_ late to a class, and if he ever was, he would never have been so cool about sneaking in late!

Eddy was just about ready to chuck a wad of notepaper at the back of Edd's sock-head when the door opened with a very noticeable _creak_. Mr. Snye, who had been dozing off in his swivel-chair at the head of the room, snorted awake and spun towards the door. Everyone's pencils stopped their _scratch-scritching_ against their pop quizzes; all of the quiet murmurings died down.

And there he was, none other than Kevin, mutely walking into the classroom with his backpack held like a makeshift shield before him. His eyes were wide and unseeing.

Beside Eddy, Ed whispered sadly, "I told you guys about the tomato zombies taking over the world…" Eddy could only watch with mounting astonishment as Kevin remained silent through the teacher's mini-lecture on punctuality, the quiet, concerned mutters (and the occasional snickers) of his fellow classmates, and losing participation points for tardiness before being dismissed to his seat.

Kevin slowly—wordlessly—trudged over to his seat just a couple desks to Edd's left, diagonal to Eddy, and all but collapsed into the chair. Mr. Snye passed him a quiz sheet, during which Edd raised his hand and quietly informed the teacher that he hadn't been passed a paper yet, wringing his hands for effect.

The teacher, obviously convinced of Edd's seamless lie, apologized and passed him a slip of paper before heading back to his own desk. "Ten more minutes," he announced to the room, folding his arms across his chest before leaning back against the wall and closing his eyes.

Eddy watched as Kevin gazed ahead with an unnerving thousand-yard stare for a solid minute or so before he shook his head and glanced down at his quiz as if seeing it for the first time. Eddy didn't miss the way Kevin's eyes seemed to dart over to Edd more than once as he worked on his quiz, but it wasn't the usual cheating-on-the-quiz peeking. Kevin's gaze was firmly rooted upon Edd's side profile, never straying to Double Dee's paper even once.

Eddy glanced up at the head of the room, relieved to see that Mr. Snye had dozed off again, before finally chucking his wadded-up piece of paper at the back of Edd's head. Once his friend had swiveled around to face him, Eddy breathed, "What the _hell_ did you do to him, Double Dee?"

They both turned to gaze at the still-silent Kevin, who was now staring blankly at his sheet of paper. Eddy could see that he'd only managed to write his name at the top before he'd gotten lost in his thoughts once more.

"Is Kevin broken?" Ed wondered quietly. "Like a clock? Ooh, Eddy, should I wind him back up?"

" _No, Ed!_ " Edd and Eddy hissed as their well-meaning yet clueless friend went to rise from his chair, both manhandling Ed back into his seat. Mr. Snye's quiet snores cut off into an audible snort at the disruption, but after a moment the teacher merely snuggled back down into his chair and commenced his nap. Everyone let out quiet sighs of relief.

Kevin had snapped his head over in their direction at the sudden commotion, and Eddy noticed that when the box-chinned loser happened to catch Edd's gaze, they both turned a faint pink. Kevin looked away first, scratching the back of his neck and readjusting his disheveled hat.

Eddy narrowed his eyes at the sight before shooting a glare at Edd. "Fess up, man, how'd you do it?"

"A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell," Edd remarked primly, a faint smirk tugging at his lips as he steadfastly focused upon their algebraic exercises.

Eddy choked on his own spit before muttering to himself about Edd and Kevin conspiring against them for the dare prize. Ed inserted a pencil (the eraser end, thank goodness) into his ear and laughing quietly. Kevin turned an even darker shade of red as his lips curled into a small, secretive smile.

And Edd? He felt his smirk soften into something more genuine as he snuck a glance over at Kevin. Edd was thinking about what after school might bring.

* * *

 **Endnotes:** So, what do you think? How did Double Dee manage the impossible? The world may never know! *cackles madly*

Reviews and constructive criticism are cherished! So are suggestions as to Dee's methods-the more out there they are, the better. I'm also looking for feedback as I'm currently working on another Kevedd and I would really like to know how my characterizations and presentations are.

That said, thank you for reading, lovelies! Have an awesome day!


End file.
